winter.

i love the smell of winter, it reminds me of a time where everything was more than great. it feels fresh, clean, and gives this feeling safety ( don't ask me why). i start to remember songs i've seemed to forget. i start humming, start singing softly to myself and it all just goes away. the pounding headache, the sinking feeling, gone. its this feeling of winter.

i'm just

i'm just the mess that you created

but i'm not begging for your attention

tell me when you find the time

because sadly i've been losing mine.

with wasted words and minutes spent

forgetting what i thought was kept

and please don't ask me for my words

because your not ready for the truth.

untitled.

the air is growing thin

and once again im feeling like i can't breathe

my chest feels heavy

it just wont move.

my eyes fall weak once again

im not half as strong as i claim

im not where i want to be

my only peace is hidden in the moon

when the edges burr and smear

when it's unclear

in the sky

in the deep dark blackish blue.

in that feeling of winter

when the grass is wet

as it pokes my neck

laying there creating serenity.

Signed with love.

it seems you've faded away, i lost you somewhere among the shadows and this light.
when i told you to run, you walked the other way.
i gave you directions but those heels dug in circles.
thats where you'll stay, somewhere in between contempt and ambivalence.
content with how you live, satisfied with what you had...
too late for what you could've had, you've settled.
chasing your dreams.. no more.
living .. no more.

ill send you a letter
to tell you i once cared
ill send you these words
to show you i still believe.


signed with love,
jess.

Dredg/ Good Old war/ RX bandits

click here for pictures.
I don't Know- Dredg


Window- Good Old War

I don't Know- Dredg



Decrescendo- RX Bandits

I've fallen so fast ... So fast.


Please don't let me hit the ground.

Twelve.

you remind me of a ghost
i once met.

Dear,

i'm sorry
i'm just scared.

WAKE UP!

What time could tell to many souls
in sync we live as one
run by our fear
run by the power
no one can control.
Wake up!
Stop dreaming & make believing
that fairy tales exist
said the bird to the sun
your the only light that lives
the beauty of the morning
and the magic of the night


-jess

Eleven.

you can't want nothing
and expect the world from me
yes i said the distance is killing us
but would you have it any other way?
you say you're deeply in a spell of regret
and you fear you've lost it all
i find no comfort in you hollow words

Happiness .

Anthony Fucking Green

ahh it was so hot buuutt
it was worth waiting :)

The More You Get The Less You Are- Anthony Green UC irvine

"this"

why do i care so much about this,
whatever THIS may be.
i'm unsure,
its unclear.

Alone.

the loneliest fucking feeling
that emptiness feeling in my stomach
restless.
insecure.


i hate not knowing.

Shadow on the wall

Gone
It's hard for me to see when I'm wrong
It's hard for me to weep when I'm strong
But I could never sleep when you're gone
Oh but still
If you were gonna crucify me
I wouldn't want nobody to see
'Cause you could kick me hard when I'm down
Down, down, down

I don't want wanna be
Nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall
It cannot be seen at all
At all

Over it
Hey it's not that you would mess with my head
I believe that you believe what you said
You think you know me best and you care

But that's not fair!
'Cause I don't really want to be safe
It must have been the way I was raised
Sleep with one eye open I say
Hey hey hey

I don't wanna be
Nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall
It cannot be seen at all
At all

Oh
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I would make no sound at all
At all

shadow on the wall-Brandi Carlile

Darling.

we're never moving forward
just ten steps back.

its sucks
because i'll admit
i do care.

twenty one days.

twenty one days
twenty attempts
at empty sentences
and metaphors that just dont make sense

Tomorrow.

i follow in the footsteps of someone who has been here
of someone who has believed what i believed
who has seen what my eyes have seen

i follow in the footsteps of a stranger
who has felt what i have felt
who has known what i have learned

i follow in the footsteps of a ghost
who has lived they way i live
but has died, they way i haven't.

Alex McCurdy.

So you DO know.
the story is like this.

people who were my friends
not truly my friends.

people i truly did love
cheated.

people who i believed
lied.


but its whatever now.


but hey
now you're caught up

haha :)

it's fine.

just pretend you never knew?

because. . .

your words mean so much more.

words.

You can't understand,
what you don't know.

Ten.

And It's getting cold.
Thought it was too soon to tell
but it was terribly old
and now the heartbeat slows to a heartless crawl.
and The lights went out,
The lights went out
and darkness filled the house
on tiring night under a Long Island sky.

I thought I'd known the consequence,
but sweetness, can you believe this?
Mess we've made of it.
mess we've made of it.
In years to come it might make sense,
but sweetness, can you believe this?
what's become of it? What's become of it?

If you hear this and you think you're ready,
then meet me in Montauk
where we'll write out in the sand,
"Here lies the destiny of 2 hurt souls
afraid to be cured again."
That could be our epitaph.

"Montauk"-Bayside

Nine point six.

this is what could have been easily erased
burnt and drawn out in the worst of days

Nine Point five?

this has been erased.

Nine Point four.

"Pardon me for saying so, but you look more pitiful
Than I had ever imagined, despite perfect fashion
And your photographs
depict you so differently.

I always thought you would be some sort of
match for me.

So let's decide who can survive
Stomping feet and
racing beats of hearts that don't ever slow.

Then I'll write letters on
white paper expressing,
My deep dissapointment.

Dripping where I
stand from my watery hands, Hoping to get past the open bedroom door,
Where
her clothes on the floor remind me of our conversation,
The feeling of
slight hesitation
To turn out the light.

Fourteen days now since we
started to complicate the situation.
I'm not hiding I'm just buying some
time for us to find the back door.

We will come out when it's safe for
us.
When it's safe for us..


There's nothing left to say to excuse the way that I've
behaved.

I still feel him gripping like a stain
To this fabric, torn
at every seam,

Then thrown away.
One without regret, I will not
forget.
One without regret, I will not forget

Why should I take all
the blame for my mistakes? You were there with every promise made to break.
When did you become the one without regret?
Kill me.
Burn me down.
I swear I won't forget.
When did you become the one without regret?
Kill me.
Burn me down.
I swear I won't forget. "

Playing with Fire-Emery

Nine Point Three.

blah.


blah blah?


BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Nine Point Two.

Can't. Can't. Can't.



Won't.


maybe.

Nine Point One.

That means nothing.

Nine.

This is where i say it gets easier. This is where my acting skills come into play. This is where i lean towards you and fake a smile. This is where my words are killing me.

Eight.

Somethings are so simple, they become complicated.

Seven.

i miss you.

Six.

There's no reason to dislike a lie, just the people who tell them.

Five

Experiences are lived, not told.

Four.

close your eyes darlin,
these words are for your ears.

Three.

Emotions are feelings that is felt for someone or something, to the point it's not longer felt. Just lived.

Two.

Truth is derived from actual events, emotions, and/or experiences.

One.

Simplicity comes in the form of truth.

Before we sleep.

i am the last person you think of before you go to sleep
you close your eyes and try not to say my name
you smile, then regret.
you hold your phone to your chest,
debate & dial.
i answer.
you stay quiet and I'll repeat my greeting.
you hesitate and say hello.
i laugh when you stutter and you tell me to shut up.
then there's silence.
I'll ask why you called
and before you answer,
i think of the real reason you called.
but you surprise me.
you tell the truth.
i laugh.
and we fall asleep on the line.
you were the last person i thought of before i went to sleep.

i am not.

i am not yours, i am not her, i am not us.


i am not his, i am not she, i am not theirs'


i am not.

Nothing.

it's been a while, its been a very long while.
i've been looking for a fast escape.
an easy exit.
my mind told me there was no such thing.
but i wonder. . .
i know that somewhere there is a door that leads to nowhere.
and that nowhere may be the best piece of nothing anyone has ever seen.
i'll find that door.
i want to see what no one has ever seen.
i want to be nowhere, unreachable.
nothing.

smile

smile for me bby.
give me one of those looks.
the ones you can only do.
the ones that made me feel.
feel like i am the only one in the room.

Darling's wasted.

Patience.
i never knew it
nor cared for it.


but i'm waiting.

here.


sitting.






waiting.



Does that mean something?

Darling.

darling, don't you know?
don't you get these words?
can't you see?
what exactly is this missing?
Your voice?
possibly.

Pause.

and these lines
have been flying through air,
in and out out of my head
breaking the truths,
that would soon be found
at the bottom of something too deep.

oh your too fast.
its too soon to tell.
faces to decode,
but expressions are blank,
and no clues.
so just tell me,
tell me, the truth

the clock is ticking . . .
counting seconds,
counting,
every time you
close your eyes,
skip a beat,
and swallow your words.
tick . . . tick . . . ticking away.
spit out the lines,
just tell me,
tell me the truth.

Circa Survive @Chain Reaction! 2/6/09

i will write more about last night later.
but for now
these are my fave shots of the night!







and a video that i took :)
circa is amazingg!

circa survive@ chain reaction 2/6

Child of the earth

here's something .
not new.
just something.

the new face of the moon
creeps behind the shadows of the sun
the new face of the earth
child of the dirt

child of the earth
breathe the air so thin
lungs so weak
so that you can hardly speak
child of the earth
child of the dirt
fell to the blood
of the feathers in your wings

childs eyes so weak
eyes so blind
yet saw the war
saw the blood
the tears
the clouds the sun

childs eyes so weak
you have saved me
-j.alexandra

yes please :)

<3



taken with my crappy cellphone
yet i still love it
this man is amazing

yumm

You've lost.

it not that hard.
but its not so easy.

how can you lose something
that stands right before you?
but it makes no sense to search
because you can't see it.

and then its gone.

you've lost.

. . .

i've been waiting for a night like this
to tear us apart
to rip us to shreds
to make us forget
but silence never knew my name
left and put to ruins
by our Venomous ways

tonight words don't compromise a thing
who couldn't see this coming
must have been so blind
spare you're wasted breathes
on captivated ears
and lips that would dare defend
hot air and such ingenuity


-j.alexandra

the free-flowing thoughts of a person

the words come naturally.
spilling in some way
with no way to contain them
or change them
it's like there's no delete key
like there's no censoring anything
nothing to hold me back from
say what i want to say

oh but those words
they get me in trouble
hurt emotions
cause confusion
and some frustration

but wouldn't you like
the free-flowing thoughts of a person
and not some kind of script
sour, fake, & over rehearsed?